Its almost September 11th and just like clockwork my heart begins to race, my ability to sleep disappears, and my anxiety sets in. This usually all begins around the one week till marker. Twelve years ago September 4th was the last meal I had with my best friend Josh. The last time I saw his shining face. The last time I heard his beautiful laugh. The last time I saw the twinkle in his eye. We often take those small moments for granted, we forget the details, or neglect to paint the full picture in our minds. Yet, I feel fortunate. I remember everything from that last night as if it happened yesterday. And I've always carried it with me. Not just as a reminder of my dear friend Josh, but also as a reminder of the importance of moments and the fragility of life. Never take what you have for granted... live each moment.
Its weird to me that this year September 4th also happened to be Erev Rosh Hashanah - the beginning of the Jewish New Year. It was almost a bit confusing. A time of happiness, reflection, and renewal mixed in with a time of sadness, memory, and pain.
I met Josh almost 15 years ago. Looking back, I was just a girl. I remember spotting him immediately on the first day of my college Composition class. He was exactly the kind of guy that caught my eye-- tall, handsome, and with a beautiful smile. It took a few weeks until we exchanged some words but I could tell that he was the type of person that made the world laugh. The first time he spoke to me it was because he had smelled the hand cream I had just put on. I liked his silliness and how genuine he was. We became friendly over the course of the semester and one day we walked out of class together through campus and down to the Columbia gates. He asked for my number and we exchanged them right then and there. I actually still have the slip of paper with his distinct handwriting on it. That night we spoke on the phone for 2.5 hours and we got off the phone only because Josh decided to come over. We stayed up until 4:30 in the morning talking. He was familiar, like a friend who I had known and had known me my entire life. There are moments that I think back to sometimes and I can't comprehend that they were so long ago because in my heart they feel like yesterday. I guess thats what happens when you carry those you love with you. Time becomes eternal. Josh used to make me laugh until it hurt. He was my confident for so many things. We spent hours talking about life and religion and family and wealth and success and the future. His apartment was my getaway from the college dorm/life. We used to picnic on his floor and listen to the music that he would spin.
Twelve years later... I would be lying if I didn't say that September 11, 2001 completely devastated my life.
For a long time it was baby steps. But you take those steps because of people who help you through. The ones who hold your hand at the right times, the ones who wipe away your tears, the ones who cry with you and share your pain, the ones who listen to endless stories, and the ones who push you to be strong, remind you how to smile, and teach you what it means to live. I still cringe when I hear the words "September 11th." I hate to hear people talk about "Ground Zero" or visiting the "Freedom Tower." What can I say? It hurts. Even 12 years later. It still hurts. No matter how much time passes, I will never forget the people, the smoke, the sirens... and the silence that existed in New York City in the days/months that followed.
And of-course, I will never forget Josh. Joshua David Birnbaum, who would've been 36 this year and was taken from this world way too early. But I'm lucky in that sense, I guess. Because Josh's memory is so strong in the hearts of all those who knew him and loved him that he cannot possibly ever be forgotten.
Love you Joshy.
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