In the eleven years since September 11th I don't think I ever outwardly showed too much anger. It was easier to dwell on the pain and sorrow of missing Josh than to think about how that day marked me and infuriated me. For almost a decade Bin Laden the coward dwelt in a cave and continued his reign of terror. I'll never forget the day he was killed and all the idiotic postings on Facebook that followed. Someone so evil had so much of the worlds attention. I refused to acknowledge him or his death at the time. He didn't deserve my attention. I do, however, regret having the chance while he was still on this earth to say Fuck You, Osama Bin Laden. During my inservice week at BZAEDS we had a one hour meeting on security protocols in the building. Most of the meeting was repetition of common sense knowledge and when the informational part ended the person leading the meeting told us that we would now be quizzed on what we learned. There were even Starbucks giftcards to be given out. The next 10 minutes included the most tasteless game I've ever witnessed. Instead of actually quizzing us on what we'd "learned" they put up photos of people and we began a game of "name that terrorist". People were laughing as each new disgusting murderous face was projected and trying to compete with each other and show how well they knew their terrorist trivia. As the last photo was projected onto the screen I found myself face to face with Mohamed Atta, one of the hijacker terrorists who flew the AA flight into the North tower of the World Trade Center. Trying to fight back tears in a room full of stupidity, I came face to face with my own demons and my own hatred. This man and several others took so much away from me on that tragic Tuesday. First and foremost will always be the fact that they killed my best friend, a person who I held so dearly in my heart. Josh was everything. He was strength, he was beauty, he was laughter, and honesty, and most importantly, he was friendship. He showed me how to embrace life and see the miraculous things that existed in the world. He made the world a better place just by being in it. Secondly, through carrying out their horrific "attack on america" they terrorized me, personally. And although as time passes and I no longer re-live the actual trauma of that day over and over anymore, I've been marked in so many other ways...
And in that moment of staring up at that terrorist on the screen I realized that I've never had a chance to cringe at his (or others) photo and say "Fuck you. Fuck you for..."
- Making me learn what it meant to lose someone special at such a young age
- Making me forget how to smile
- Giving me years of sleepless nights
- Instilling a paralyzing fear in me when hearing a low flying plane
- Making me afraid of tall buildings
- The stress I experience when watching any movie about the destruction of a city (especially NYC)
- Making it so hard for me to open up and trust
- Instilling in me a deep fear of loss
- Marking one specific day every year in which I spend an entire month preparing for
- And mostly, for teaching people in this world that it is ok to hate and that turning to violence is the answer to all problems.
I hope that I spend the rest of my life working as hard as I can teaching people that hatred is not an acceptable answer. If there's one way that 9/11 really changed me its that in breaking my heart it made me envision the kind of world I wanted to live in. It taught me to see things in a colorful and positive way and hope to live in serenity and with a peaceful heart. It pointed me towards helping people and children and building beautiful relationships with others. It taught me to be humane. It pushed me to want to see the world and all the amazing places and people that exist within it. It taught me to live for today.
I've spent eleven years trying to be as reflective as I possibly can. And let me tell you, its been a s...l...o...w process. I know that that day changed everybody who lived in NewYork and perhaps around the country and the world as well. Perhaps for people not closely affected or related to the victims it may not have been in the same way I or others like me were affected, but still. I used to see it in the eyes of my friends. The pain and anguish of watching a friend living through pain and living it along with them. I'm not sure that I've ever really told the people who meant most to me over the years what and how they'd done to help make me stronger. The list is endless. For not leaving me unattended in the first few weeks, for allowing me to sleep in your rooms when I was so scared of being alone, for reaching for my hand at the right moments, for wiping away my endless tears and listening to my endless cries, for crying with me, for giving me hugs and providing me with so much love and comfort, for attending the vigil at the 1 year anniversary, for reminding me how to smile, for remembering Josh with me, for remembering Josh on your own, for sharing your memories with me, for speaking about him in your communities, for writing me emails or facebook messages on or around 9/11, for celebrating his birthday with me, for flying a kite in his memory, for showing me in your eyes the way you were affected too, for giving me strength when I needed it most, for not giving up on me, for teaching me how to let people in again, for opening my heart, for loving me, and for always standing by my side. There aren't enough words to express how blessed I feel to have you all in my life. There will never be a day that goes by where I don't think of Josh, where I don't wish that he was still alive, where I don't feel robbed of precious time that could've been spent joking around with him and sharing with him. But I look at my life and these past eleven years and I know that I've done exactly what he would have wanted me to do... I've lived. I've lived for me and for him. And he's still here somehow. Some days I feel him stronger than others. Some days he leaves pennies or sunflowers or dragonflies to remind me that he's here. And some days I just have to hear Jill's laugh or see her smile and he's right there with us.
I wish this year as I do every year that people remember. Remember Josh. Joshua David Birnbaum. Who was taken at age 24, well before his time. Remember the others. Parents, children, siblings, family, and friends. While I am just one person, there are thousands more just like me out there who struggle to get through this day and to find a little peace in their hearts. And while I hope so much that you remember, I also ask you this year to try to let the good outweigh the bad. Find a little more patience, remember to smile, see the good in things, and just try to make this world a better place. For Josh.
I wish this year as I do every year that people remember. Remember Josh. Joshua David Birnbaum. Who was taken at age 24, well before his time. Remember the others. Parents, children, siblings, family, and friends. While I am just one person, there are thousands more just like me out there who struggle to get through this day and to find a little peace in their hearts. And while I hope so much that you remember, I also ask you this year to try to let the good outweigh the bad. Find a little more patience, remember to smile, see the good in things, and just try to make this world a better place. For Josh.
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with a passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." *****JDB 6/17/77-9/11/01*****
